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Monday, September 19, 2005

Free Best Man Speech

Free Best Man Speech

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, as most of you have probably guessed
already from the church I am the best man, however for those of you who don’t
know me personally, my name is Kevin and I would like to begin, on behalf of
Susan & Justin, by thanking you all for being here and sharing their special day
with them.

As is customary on these occasions, its time for one or two speeches of thanks
from Bob, Justin and myself. I’m quite sure that all three of us are nervous at
the prospect right now. I personally would like to thank Imodium for all the
help and support they have given me in the build up to this moment!

It gives me great pleasure to call upon the bride’s father to say a few words
and propose a toast of 'health and happiness to the bride and bridegroom’, so
come on and give him a massive round of applause everyone!


Thank you Bob for those kind words….I now call upon Justin to say a few nice
things about his mum and dad and the lovely bridesmaids.


Its turning out to be a day packed full new experiences for me. It’s the first
time I’ve had the honour of being a best man, It’s the first time that Justin
has complimented me in over 30 years, and it’s the first time I’ve got a free
dinner out of him since that kebab he bought me back in 93. So far things have
been going pretty well…until now. Start the car Steve.

Ladies, Gentlemen, boys, girls Justin and Sue,

First of all, let me begin on behalf of the bridesmaids, Michelle, Ellie, Hannah
and Emily, I would like to thank Justin for his kind words, and I have to say
they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today.

The great thing about being a best man, which incidentally is short for best
Justin can manage, is that you get to paint a picture of the man whom Sue has
just committed the rest of her life to.

A man is best described through his actions and despite having known Justin for
nearly thirty years now I think I could probably describe all of his actions
within the next five minutes.

Not that he is lazy, far from it, rather than be a jack of all trades he prefers
to carefully focus his efforts

When asked once in the pub what where his favourite hobbies and pastimes, after
serious thought and consideration he replied, ‘I quite like sitting’.

So here before us is a man who dedicates his free time to the conservation of
energy and the environment. Although if he was honest he’s not bothered as to
whether the environments green or not, just as long as it’s comfy.

I don’t remember meeting Justin for the first time, he just kind of appeared
many, many years ago before I was old enough to have a memory. However, that may
well be a good thing, because some of those early memories are quiet disturbing.

During the mid to late seventies Justin was quiet convinced that he was 70’s
motorcycle pin up Erik Estrada from Chips.

(At this point I held up a picture of this guy and compared it with a picture of
7 year old Justin to emphasise how dissimilar they looked)

He also thought that Cola Cubes made him bionic! A tip that you might like to
pick up on there Sue!

Its testimony to Sue & Justins relationship that he’s now over Erik, and Justins
smile has now returned following that fateful afternoon back in 1980 when, out
of his mind on a quarter of cola cubes he attempted his first and last ever
non-handed bicycle jump.

I think I can sum up the moment by combining the words, crown jewels and
crossbars. In fact it’s a miracle of medicine that Justin did not just deliver
his speech to you today in the style of Joe Pescuali.

As Justin progressed to becoming a teenager he found that if he took his cola
cubes in liquid form and added a decent shot of Vodka, he became even more
bionic! Of course some of us know different.

Yes we know that it made him talk rubbish like the best of us can, but the
funniest thing was that it made him dance like he was actually trying to take
his trousers off. At least he claims he was dancing. If you can’t get the
picture, you soon will at around 10pm this evening.

He then went on to study for a degree at Huddersfield University. It was here
that he landed quite possibly the finest job a man could ever aspire to. He was
given the responsibility, by the Student Union, of driving the safety bus.

Now for those who don’t know, let me explain what the safety bus is for. It’s
for picking up young drunk 18yr old student girls in the middle of the night and
driving them back to their homes. Fantastic! What more could a man want from

However the responsibility proved a little too distracting for poor Justin, and
in the short time he was in charge of the safety bus, he:

Drove it into a wall, ran over and crushed a child’s bike, pulled one of the
doors off and got an enormously fat girl stuck between the seats!

And to add insult to injury the students started calling his safety bus, the

Still he can proudly say that he has escorted more drunk girls home in a single
night, than the rest of his friends put together have managed in a lifetime!

Moving more up to date, I am proud to say I was there the night that Justin met
Sue. I’ve watched their relationship grow, and can honestly say that they make a
perfect couple.

So it was no surprise, when about 18 months ago during a romantic dinner just
down the road at the Italian Kitchen, Justin bent down to pick up a nice piece
of garlic bread he dropped…Sue jumped to conclusions and…well here we all are

Sue, you’re a wonderful girl, and you look fantastic today. You’re a great girl
who truly deserves a great husband. A husband who will care for you, and look
after you for the rest of your life. Free Best Man Speech

Justin, you’ve done a great job getting her down the aisle before she found one.

It just leaves me now as is customary before the toast to offer the bride and
groom a few words of worldly advice. Being a bachelor myself, this has proved a
bit too difficult for me, so I asked my mum and dad how they managed over 40
years of wedded bliss.

My Mum said: Sue a man is like a tiled floor - lay it right first time and you
can spend years walking all over it!

And from my Dad: Jus the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget just

I apologise if those jokes are a bit old but then so are my parents!

If my throat was dry when I started this speech its even drier now, and I can
think of no better remedy than to drink to the health, wealth and eternal
happiness of the newlyweds. Free Best Man Speech


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